what it means to feel whole
I recently made a new account on ChatGPT. The first prompt was to get to know me better. It asked if I feel whole.
I asked back, "what does it actually mean to feel whole?"
It answered:
Wholeness doesn’t mean always being happy. It’s the moment you look around — or inside — and go: “I’m allowed to be exactly who I am right now.” “And even if no one else fully sees me, I do.”
Well, then I don't feel whole. I constantly feel like I have to prove myself to others, and I've felt that way all my life.
I don't know if you've read the short story "A Clean, Well-lighted Place" by Ernest Hemingway. My favourite part used to be when the old bartender recites the Bible but with all the important words switched to nada, which means nothing in spanish.
And the fear of nothingness creeps in. If it's all nothing, then what's the point?
When it was all nada y pues nada y nada y pues nada, the old bartender resorted to a clean wel-lighted café, where he felt peace with himself.
Something occurred to me recently that changed a lot of things. I needed my friends to be there for me or else I couldn't be in peace with myself.
There's this one friend. I am not sure why, but I felt close to him, although we haven't really known each other for that long. Probably because of the shared experiences of having moved to a completely different city without family or friends, feeling lonely and overwhelemed, but missing that place after leaving. Contradictory feelings.
I opened up to him, even though we're not best friends. I would talk to you for hours about Chappell Roan even if we met just ten minutes ago, but opening up about what's deep in there is different. It's difficult. I've been trying though, recently.
He just hugged me and held my hand while I cried. It felt warm. I felt like I showed him my worst and I still felt accepted. Maybe a clean well-lighted place is a person, because I don't think a place could have that effect on me.
Then fear crept in. I'm leaving soon and I felt like leaving the person here is leaving that feeling behind, although we're just friends, I felt the real connection.
But I tell myself, there's a reason why Hemingway called it "a" clean well-lighted place, instead of "the" clean well-lighted place. It may be hard to find, but at least now you know what you're looking for.
And I want to be that friend to my family and friends. I want to be there for them as something really warm and gentle so that they feel whole.